The Scary Truth of Publishing

Trying to get published and even being published is a journey filled with fear, uncertainty, depression and angst. Those are a lot of negative emotions surrounding something that you love to do, but that’s because the truth of publishing is that it is a business. It doesn't feel that way when you are writing. When you are creating your characters, their world, saying the things you've always wanted to say. But once your work is out of your hands it is no longer in your control what happens to it. In traditional publishing, it is up to an agent to LOVE it and want to sign you. It is up to an editor to ADORE it and want to publish you. Then it is up to readers to think your book looks interesting and buy it. Then they have to LOVE it, so other readers will find you and you can publish more books and so on.

So, what does being published feel like when you strip away the insanely-giddy “oh my God someone likes me, my book is going to be a book” feeling?

A fear-induced, constant heart attack.

I have always been an anxious person. I worry, but that anxiety is nothing compared to the high-voltage anxiety I feel now, every day, all day long. Will my book sell enough? Am I doing enough to make it sell? And the worst question of all; were all those agents and editors who rejected me for all those years right? Was I not good enough?

What I am admitting is the worst truth, the black, scary, monstrous thing that authors don’t like to talk about: in order to keep publishing, you need to sell books.

You book could be amazing, special, your beating heart on the page, but none of that matters if no one wants to pay for it.
Of course, sales are nothing you can control. Nothing I can control, and as someone filled with anxiety, this has been the hardest part.
The thing is my book is selling, it’s not a bestseller, but people are reading it. People are buying it who aren’t my mother. It's in bookstores, in libraries. The elation I feel knowing this is probably greater than the fear—the shadowy, shameful fear about book sales--but still I wonder, always wonder if the amount is enough. I am scared that it isn't and I wonder what would be.
What I am clinging to in all of this, what I am learning is the only thing that can keep you sane, or at least is keeping me sane, are the people who read your book and love it; the readers who seek you out to thank you for writing it. The reviews that make you wonder how you had the capacity to do the things they are praising. But some days this doesn't work, because I crave acceptance just like everyone else, and unfortunately in publishing true acceptance equates to sales.

I think about the writer I used to be before I was published. When I found true joy in the turn of a phrase or a funny line one of my characters said. When I was just writing on a legal pad and not thinking about who would like it or buy it. I wish I could feel that way again. Be able to diffuse the fear of whether what I am writing is good enough, will sell enough. That is what the fear is doing to me.
Just like I learned to write, I am learning to be an author. It is a completely different experience. I have told my husband it feels like I am naked on the internet and in bookstores waiting for people to like me. Before I was just sitting in my office writing furiously hoping maybe someday one person would like me and give me a chance. This is where that chance has brought me, now it’s my book's turn to fly or fall on its own.

Being published, my insecurities are no different. The bar for success continues to move. To combat the fear, I know I need to believe in myself and my work. At least that is something I can control.