Love, Me (Brian Katcher)

 So what would I say to my teen self? Well, the idea of pranking myself would certainly come to mind.

--I'm writing this to you from beyond the grave. We're in hell, spending an eternity handcuffed to Jack Chick (It's hell for him too).

 --Brian, you'd think that being undisputed ruler of the earth would be fun, but I gotta say, it's lonely at the top...

-The robots and their gorilla masters are closing in. The fate of humanity is in your hand. You must (message goes to static).

But in reality, I would like to say a thing or two to me at sixteen.

 Dear schmucko,

 Hey, it's me at 47. I know, I'm kind of surprised we lived this long. No heart attack, no car accident, no Darwin Award. So much for our dreams of becoming a cautionary tale.

So here's the thing. Our life turns out pretty good, and while we do make a lot of mistakes, everything kind of just works out. But here are some things I wish I'd known when I was you:

*Regarding girls: You make a great long term impression. In the short term, you come across like Bobcat Goldthwait on crack. Unless you're sure you won't see her again, never ask out a girl the first week you know her.

Don't worry about what your friends think about the attractiveness of your dates. Seriously. Look at your friends. Are they the kind of guys you should be taking romantic advice from?

And I know it's a source of pride for you that you dress like a hobo, but clothes make the man. The novelty t-shirts aren't really working for you, are they?

*Regarding your family: Things may be a little rocky between you and your sister, but that's common. She really is your best friend, and over the years you'll never have a closer friend or a more ardent supporter.

Your parents are wonderful, but but they do make mistakes. Don't be afraid to call them out. You may be the only one who can tell them some harsh truths, if you're brave enough.

*Regarding your friends: You'll never have a great group like this. Enjoy this while it lasts. After you hit thirty, you all start going your separate ways. 

People like you a lot more than they let on. As an adult, you'll be surprised to look back and realize how often people relied on you for support, advice, or just companionship. 

*Regarding loneliness: there will come times when you feel utterly isolated and afraid. These times will pass, usually in a couple of months. Make an effort to meet people and you'll do fine.

 *Regarding the nation: Remember when you thought George H.W. Bush was a failed president? You ain't seen nothing yet.

*Miscellaneous:  A used car is a hell of a lot cheaper than a used one. An older house is a money pit. When you have to choose between adventure and romance, follow your heart.