The Books I Wish I'd Written (Brian Katcher)

 

I once told my wife that if I were Suzanne Collins, I'd write a prequel to The Hunger Games to tell about how Panem came to be.

No, scratch that. If I were Suzanne Collins, I'd roll around naked on a huge bed of money.

Some books change lives. Some books are heralded as great works of literature. But some books make cash. So if I could have my name on the royalty check for one book, I guess it would have to be...

 

Quotations from the Chairman. Yes, he murdered hundreds of thousands of Chinese. But he had the good sense to write a book and make its purchase mandatory. To this day, it tops lists of the bestsellers of all time. That's a lot of yuan.

Now my church always says that it is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. That being said, I also kind of wish I'd written...

 

Dianetics. But not his other stuff. Especially not his science fiction. If you want to know what makes a great SF story, it's not lots and lots of necrophilia.  Dear God...

Now my life as a school librarian isn't that exciting, but I shouldn't let that stand in the way of a great memoir.

 

Maybe everything in the book is total BS, but it still sold a lot of copies. Maybe he sold out his integrity, but it sure paid well.

Also, I've always admired Tractmaster Jack Chick:

He's sold millions of these little religious comic books. It's not like I'm NOT going to hell anyway.

Finally, I wish I'd penned this gem:

Feeling a little cynical tonight, Brian?