It's happened to all of us. There you are, innocently googling your name for the forth or fifth time that day, and you're blindsided by some bozo's opinion that your most recent work is the biggest load of crap written since Ogg the Caveman smared pigments on the wall in 40,000 BCE.
Now your first reaction, obviously, is to call in an airstrike and level the miscreant's home town to the foundations. But then you realize that you may be overreacting slightly. Plus, you're not the Air Marshal. And so, regretfully, you sit there and stew, wondering how a chimpanzee was able to log on to the internet. You cannot respond, lest you appear petty and vindictive, and yet it would be so very cathartic to see the critic crushed by machinery.
Also, and I cannot stress this enough, if you state that a book is a 3.5 in your review, then you round up, not down, when giving it stars. It's basic math, people.
But fret not. Other lesser authors have also gotten poor reviews. Below are published critiques of famous works of literature. See if you can match them to the book.
1. 'A pointless and confusing story.'
2. 'This book...is too long.'
3. 'No better in tone than the dime novels.'
4. 'Dull, dull, dull.'
5. 'How a human being could have attempted such a book...without committing suicide...is a mystery.'
6. 'His sentiment is forced, his wit is forced, his enthusiasm is forced.'
7. 'An absurd story.'
8. 'It is no discredit to (author) that he wrote (title), only that he did not burn it afterwards.'
9. 'An emotional hodge podge.'
a. Leaves of Grass, Walt Whitman
b. The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Sallinger
c. Moby Dick, Herman Melville
d. The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald
e. Lolita, Vladimir Navokov
f. Catch-22, Joseph Heller
g. Where the Wild Things Are, Maurice Sendak
h. Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte
i. Huckleberry Finn, Mark Twain
1-g; 2-b; 3-i; 4-e; 5-h; 6-c; 7-d; 8-a; 9-f