Thursday, December 29, 2016

Worst Sequel Ever (Brian Katcher)

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Occasionally, when I'm recovering from a trip to Europe or waiting for the driver to bring the Bentley around, I'll ask Jeeves to bring in a sampling of the day's fan mail. And while most of it is sadly repetitive (I'm afraid I cannot sign body parts; I'm sorry, Mr. Trump, but I have no desire to serve on your cabinet; Yes, I have been told I look like Zach Galifianakis), I'll frequently be asked if I plan to write a sequel to one of my novels, usually ALMOST PERFECT. 

Sadly, my books are usually standalone works, and neither I, nor my publisher, plan on extending the story. I'm sorry, Ms. Johansson. Loved you in THE AVENGERS.

Other creative types gladly take on the task of turning a single work into a series. I have nothing but admiration for the desire to make more money, but the results are generally underwhelming.

Here we go, the best and the worst:

Movies:

Best: Aliens

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Best space marine movie ever and we get to see Paul Reiser die a gruesome death. If you've never watched the extended version, then you've wasted your life.

Best: Terminator 2

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Arnold's best work ever. It was a slow decline from here, with flops like Last Action Hero, Jingle All the Way, and the governorship of California.

Worst: National Treasure 2

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Let's turn a great heist movie into a sitcom with bickering parents and a wacky sidekick.
Worst: Ocean's 12

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Any of that meta 'I just look like the actress who plays my character' crap and you've lost me.

Books:

Best: Garfield Gains Weight
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The orange feline really hits his stride here, with the introduction of Nermal, his hatred for Mondays, and his love for lasagna. Truly a sequel of Homeric proportions. Not unlike the size of Garfield's meals!

Worst: CLOSING TIME

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The original book, Catch-22, was such a seminal anti-war novel that it spawned a new phrase. The sequel came out when I was a college freshman and I spent some of my few dollars, just so I could find out what happened to Yossarian. Did he get out of the army? Did he escape from Europe?

We never find out. What we do get is 300 pages about aging, bizarre science fiction, and a bunch of jokes about former vice president Dan Quayle.

Television:

Best: Laverne and Shirley (Spin off of Happy Days)
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 We're gonna do it!

Worst: The Brady Bunch Hour (Spin off of Meet the Press)

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 The Bradys sing and dance. With Rip Taylor. 

Also, I'd totally write a sequel to anything if got paid for it.


 

2 comments:

  1. Hiding in here somewhere is "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes", simmering quietly aside "Eating Raoul."

    ReplyDelete