On Identity (Laurie Faria Stolarz)

 The topic for this month is identity. Who am I really? 

    I’ve thought a lot about this over the years, and I feel that who I am is constantly evolving – and yet not evolving too. In some way, as I learn more about myself, others, and the world, and as I rack up experiences (both pleasurable and not), and live through milestones, I feel I’m changing, gaining new perspective, understanding people and the world in different ways… 

    But, in another way, despite all of the above, I’m sometimes very much, at my core, the same little girl who grew up as I did (scrappy, imaginative, guarded, fearful). 

    Sometimes when I look back on certain choices or behaviors, I’m able to pinpoint the “why” of them. And, very often the answer to why lies in something that happened when I was four, five, ten, twelve...

    Some things get hard-wired in the brain and, in the moment, as we’re making choices and going about our lives, we don’t realize just how hard-wired they can be – just how naturally it is to fall back on old ways. 

    As I discover more and more about who I am, I’m able to see patterns – why I’m drawn to certain things, why I shy away from others, why I’m triggered by “x,” and curious about “y. When I explore my identity, who I am is also really different to different people. I have a long list of identities, pieces of myself, that show up as needed for myself and/or for others. These identities can change many times over the course of a day, which sounds crazy but it’s actually pretty common. I’m never all of these things at once. These identities combine and separate as needed. Some of them give me a deep sense of pleasure and/or gratitude. Other parts, I could do without. But, that's life, I guess. I'm very much a work-in-progress. I can only do my best, continue to ask why, and do better next time.

    Here are the identities of which I’m most proud (and willing to admit): mom, daughter, sister, wife, friend, caregiver, soldier (not in the literal sense), writer, writing partner, author, peace-maker, mediator, advisor, teacher, mentor, decorator worker.