Luck, Superstition & The Waiting Game (Stephanie Kuehnert)

I've always been vaguely superstitious. Like with everything else in my life (and writing!), my idea of luck has fallen outside the traditional lines--I like black cats; I was born on Friday the 13th, so it's my lucky number--but I still believe in certain things. For example, I broke a few mirrors, some on accident, some on purpose in my late teens and I would often think to myself that explained why my life was crappy.

It did turn around roughly seven years later. Maybe that's luck. Maybe that's a coincidence and it happened because I got out of a bad relationship and life just ebbs and flows. Mine certainly has. I mean one of my good friends died like a week before my first book came out. One of the biggest highs was tempered with one of the biggest lows.

I've been pretty open in admitting that the past couple of years have been hard. My publisher turned down my third book. I've struggled with writer's block and then a full on writer's slump. I went through a year where all three of my cats were sick consistently. My bartending job has been slow--the whole thing about the booze industry being recession-resistant, a lie--so it's been an ongoing struggle to make ends meet. My basement flooded twice. I parted ways with my agent. Several relatives have been diagnosed with cancer. A former friend of mine had a schizophrenic break and stabbed his parents to death before getting caught a few blocks away from another's friend's house, who he had every intention of killing. Yeah, that actually happened. But you know, my friend didn't killed and the former friend, well, I can only hope he's getting the help he needs for his mental illness. My relatives' treatments for cancer have all been successful so far (knock on wood! Which I do. A lot.) I have a new agent who I adore. My husband is fixing our basement. Though the bar is still slow and I'm feeling pretty run ragged, I am doing some jobs I love, namely writing for Rookie Magazine, which is an honor and a privilege. My cats are healthy. I worked my way through the block with one book and am finally getting over the slump I was in and am beginning to fall in love with another one (a new YA. Man, I really hope I didn't jinx myself by saying that.) The third book changed entirely from its original direction (YA to Adult), my friends, blog readers and twitter followers know it as The Bartender Book, and currently my new agent is shopping it.

That last thing, while good, is completely terrifying. Between that and the roller coaster ride of the past two years, I'm relating to this song quite a lot:

"It took so long to get me back on my feet
It takes so long to find the words and the beat"

Yep, that's me. It took two years and a lot of angst, but I'm really loving what I do again, I'm excited about the story I'm telling, and I'm hopeful that the one I spent so long on will sell. (Knock on wood that it stays that way. Really hope I didn't jinx myself)

"But it feels like you just might explode inside
You've been pacing around and waiting
For some moment that might never arrive at all"

Yep, I don't think I could describe waiting to hear if your book is going to sell any better. It's completely and utterly outside of your control. You write the best book you can and then... well maybe it is luck, or at least whatever it is that makes two best friends or two lovers cross paths, someone has to love it as much as I do. Maybe it's in the stars, which is why I keep checking my horoscope obsessively. (Mercury is in retrograde til mid-April, blast!)

"And it feels like all you'd have to do is step outside
Stop pacing around and waiting for some moment
That might never arrive"

It's hell waiting for The Call (and I really hope it's a call this time. I got emails when I sold my first two books and it's just as thrilling somehow) but I know this is what I have to do. Like I said, I'm superstitious. During the Very Bad Luck period (ie. 2010), I once made my husband bring my lucky bracelet and necklace to the bar where I work because I'd forgotten to put them on and I was convinced that my shift was going to be dead without them. I have my ears pierced 13 times because it's my lucky number and I kind of obsessively wear all 13 earrings to work for the same reason. I have a bad shift and I blame it on the barrettes I'm wearing. I seriously sometimes thing, God, I never have a good shift when I'm wearing these OR I always have a good shift when I'm wearing these. But it's totally not the case. I'll have the right number of earrings in and still have a bad day. I'll accidentally forget the earrings and have a great one. Deep down, I know it. I think I just develop these superstitions because I work in two industries that I can't control. Who knows what makes my bar crowded one night and empty the next. There is no rhyme or reasons. And other than writing the best book I can, there is really nothing more I can do there either. While my lucky charms and superstitions sometimes make feel like I do have control (I like lighting candles. Not sure why. Have a thing about energy. Works occasionally.), I've noticed they can cause more harm than good, too. Like if a day that was supposed to be spectacular according to my horoscope is ho-hum or totally awful (I'm looking at you, March 8) then I get extra bummed out about it.

So I'm trying to liberate myself from some of the silly superstitions (like the earring thing) and while I'm not into faking happiness/positivity (if you are on a bad luck streak, I fully believe you should vent and hopefully you have great friends who will comfort you. I'm very lucky to have a few of those.), I am trying to remain focused on the good and stay centered. That's why I got this tattoo:

(It means 'breathe' in Latin.)

Maybe it will be lucky. Depending on how you count, it is either my 11th or 13th... No, no. I'm not doing that anymore.

And to liberate myself from one of my writing superstitions, I've decided that I'm going to tell you the Bartender Book's real title, which thus far only my CPs and agent have known because I was certain it would jinx it, but not telling hasn't done me any favors. Of course my real logic behind this superstition is that if it sells, marketing might change it, but what the hell, with that caveat, here it is:

Getting Back To Nowhere

That was probably pretty anti-climatic for you, but it was kind of a relief to me.

So cross your fingers and hope that Getting Back To Nowhere sells, okay?

"Speak soon, stay lucky..."