On Stress, Pressures, and Balance: A Cautionary Tale (Laurie Faria Stolarz)

        

        The topic this month revolves around pressures, stresses and life balance. What words of wisdom or advice do I have to offer. 

        The answer is none. 

        Not really.

        For the majority of my life I have had difficulty saying no to things for fear of disappointing others, or for fear of going broke, or fear of missing out on something significant. 

        Fear, fear, fear, the very thing we’re told not to let guide decisions, and yet I do or I have.  (I do.)

        Some people call the fear of disappointing others the "Disease to Please." And, yes, I guess that describes it pretty well. I want to please others, very often, at the sake of my own needs or wants. Actually, because my "need to please" is so strong, sometimes I don’t even know what I want. Sometimes (more often than I'd like to admit) what I want is dictated by what the other person wants, as that will fulfill my need to please.

        Ick, I know.

        But, I’m aware of it. 

        I've try to analyze where this need comes from. My mother was a people pleaser too, always second-guessing herself, always seeking the affirmation of others. 

        Many also blame insecurity and low self-confidence for the "Disease to Please." I guess that’s at least partially true. I’m insecure about a lot of things, especially when those things come to finances. I’m doing fine, financially, (knocking serious wood here and so, so grateful to be able to say that), but having grown up below the poverty line, I’m always worried that will happen again. 

        I’ve gotten so much better in this department. But there were times, earlier in my adulthood even, when I’d get physically ill at the idea of making a biggish purchase. And, so, sometimes, (a lot of time), I take on too much. I don’t give myself that thing called balance.

        Balance? What is that? And, how can I get more of it. 

        Currently, I’m enjoying all I’m doing, but if I started the list, one might be surprised by its length, which is why I don’t often share it. “Oh, I’m just doing a little writing, a little working, la la la,” I'll say.  But, since we’re putting it all out there… Here’s what I’m currently trying to balance:

    

        1.     I’m a mom, first and foremost, to two young adults.

    

        2.     I’m the daughter to a woman who needs a lot of care right now, more than we can currently handle, but we’re doing our best, and trying to get more help. My brother’s wife is a saint, by the way; she is there for her when I can’t be, and she deserves the longest, lushest vacation money can pay for. 
    

        3.     I’m a writer and currently working on three projects.
    

        4.     I’m a teacher, teaching creative writing and providing vocational mentorship and advising.
    

        5.     I’m a tutor. (This gig just kind of appeared one day and kept growing.)
    

        6.     I’m a friend, and wish I had more time to devote to my friends, doing fun things and having meaningful conversations.
    

        7.     I’m also a wife to a man who puts up with all of my chaos. He’s my very best friend. We’ve known each other since we were kids, when we both started working illegally (underage) at a grocery store in the city. Then, flash forward, we started dating in our twenties and eventually got married. 
    

        8.     I’m a member of a fitness club. I include it here, because it’s my therapy, quite honestly, and so I try to go at least a couple times a week.

        All of the above are things I try to balance. And, as I mentioned, all of them are very important to me. But, amidst them, other things get tossed in my path. I’m trying to be mindful of what I say yes to—and why, which is key. Do I really want or need to do the thing? Really? Truly? 

        And, on the flipside, I’m trying—very hard—to give myself permission to also say no. I can’t believe it’s taken me this long. But there you have it. So maybe instead of words of wisdom regarding stress, pressure, and balance, what I offer you here is a cautionary tale.