See You Later or Goodbye? by Patty Blount

 There's a trend floating around TikTok showing moms talking to their big kids about how one day, they held them for the last time, but didn't know it would be the last time. They then try to lift that big kid one more time and cue the tears...

Friendships are a lot like that -- at least for me. I don't have many lifelong friends. I have transitive friends, situational friends, who tend to fall off the radar once whatever situation brought us together ends. 

I used to obsess over this. Cry buckets over it. Not any more. Friendships have expiration dates and I've accepted this. 

The friends I grew up with -- sure, they're on Facebook so we'll see each other when somebody dies. 

The friends I went to school with? Same deal. 

There are few of these lost friendship I DO lament. 

I was a hockey mom and grew very close to another hockey family when our boys were moving up the ranks and our husbands both coached. I literally saved this woman's life by giving her the Heimlich while she was choking. 

And they ghosted us shortly after the boys graduated high school. No explanation. Just...gone. I reached out a few times, but they didn't take the call. I left perplexed messages. Nothing. 

That one hurt, I won't lie. 

There was another long-time friendship I had with an older woman who lived next door to me when I was a newlywed. We were neighbors for 6 years and were tight, despite the age difference. We stayed in touch for many years after we both moved to new addresses. She moved to Florida and then to Massachusetts. Just as my mother was battling for her life (cancer), this friend had some kind of mental breakdown. She called to tell me she was leaving her husband of twenty years for a teenage cashier at a grocery store, who was giving her a ring. As I was reeling from this news, she started asking me odd questions about how to use social media to watch over this boy without him knowing about it. 

"You want my help to stalk someone?" 

"No! We're in love. I just want to see him." 

"Yeah, that's stalking. No." 

I had a total fit. She hung up on me and we never spoke again and that's fine by me. I didn't have the emotional fortitude to handle her issues on top of my own. 

When I began writing, I formed friendships with other members of my local writing chapter but only a few of them have stood up to time. The others --well, I won't claim some of them aren't my fault. I could call more often but honestly, people exhaust me. I have to be in the right frame of mind to talk and socialize and I frequently don't feel up to it (chronic illness, etc.). I am also aware that others are battling things far worse than my chronic illness and then I feel guilty. 

I have work friends, hobby friends, proximity friends, and friends of friends in my orbit. 

From my writing circle, I have three extremely close friendships. Women I can go to for ANYTHING. 

Finally, there's Sue. I met Sue and her family when I moved to my current address in 2001. She is one of the closest friends I've ever had. There is nothing I can't tell her. She's welcomed me into her life as if I belong there and you know what? I BELIEVE it. 

What are the lessons here? Friendship is a spectrum of short-term, long-term, and maybe even permanent lives entwined with your own. I think all of us meet for a reason. From Sue, I've learned patience, grace, and acceptance. From my Circle, I've learned confidence and power. And I hope I've given back what I've gained. 

I use these experiences to inform my writing. My characters tend to have deep, trusting friendships which is me living vicariously through them. Take Riley in THE SMELL OF SMOKE AND ASH, for example. His best pal, Davis, is like a brother. Both are only children, so their 'brotherhood' is something they both needed.

Then, look at Noelle in MISTLEFOES. She and her brother, Nick, fight constantly but it's typical sibling stuff. Underneath it, she knows she can count on him for anything. Nick is her "Sue." 

For authors, all our life experiences eventually end up in our books in some way. Ironically, though I find people exhausting, people -- CHARACTERS are why we read, why we invest hours binge-watching favorite shows.