Biggest Insecurity As a Teen ... Save Me from This Question! (Mary Strand)

This month at YA Outside the Lines, we're talking about our biggest insecurity as a teen ... which is supposed to get us to discuss writing about flawed characters in our novels.

I would argue that insecurities are not flaws. You may or may not outgrow them, but they're no more flaws than being left-handed or OCD or green-eyed or having a vertical leap of approximately one inch.

Okay, that low vertical leap may indeed be a flaw on a basketball court.

I was shy in high school. I got over it in college, and REALLY got over it in law school, but I would also argue that being shy is not even remotely a character flaw.

(As a lawyer, I would happily argue pretty much anything, at least if someone's paying me the big bucks to do so, but that's a topic for another day. Or another blog.)

It's odd being shy when you're playing basketball and tennis in front of large crowds.

Believe it or not, the toughest thing I did at tennis meets held at my own school (Eau Claire Memorial!) (Go, Old Abes!) was taking off my warmup pants in front of the crowd watching on the grass next to the tennis courts. I played # 1 singles, so my court was right next to the crowd, and ... yeah. Taking my pants off. Embarrassing! Sure, I was wearing a tennis dress or skirt, with tennis panties under that, but I dreaded it.

At basketball games, we had fairly large crowds. The moment I hated most was when we first ran onto the court during warmups, and I saw the crowd. Once the game started, the crowd didn't matter to me. (Except when my mom was there, yelling at my coach, which would be a nightmare for anyone. Including my coach.)

I was shy around guys generally but REALLY shy around my big crush. He never asked me out — AND WHY IS THAT? I'M ADORABLE! — even though I'm pretty sure the crush was mutual. (A few weeks ago, he came up as a friend suggestion on Facebook, even though we have only three friends in common. I'm no longer even remotely shy, but EEEK! Part of me is still 17, alas.)

I was ungodly shy at pep assemblies celebrating the boys' and girls' basketball teams. I still remember one in VIVID detail. The embarrassment at the time makes me laugh now, but the girl who now writes young adult (YA) novels still has all of those FEELINGS, those embarrassments, at the tips of her fingers as they tap out stories.

In retrospect, I think I was shy mostly because I felt different. A closet brainiac. A total jock, even though I got no crap for that whatsoever. I was honest, which isn't always cool. I dressed to please myself. I didn't try to act like the crowd. I got along with almost everyone in all of the cliques, but I wasn't in a clique. I didn't want to be anyone other than who I was, which I hope would be everyone's goal, and I was a nice person (except possibly to Mr. Bowman), but I didn't feel like I belonged.

I still loved high school. I played millions of hours of basketball and tennis. I had one really great friend, and lots of other friends and acquaintances. But it didn't stop me from feeling different, which made me shy.

I refuse to say that any of this relates to writing about flawed characters. I wasn't flawed. But I do like writing about characters, especially teens, who feel different.

The easiest book I ever wrote was Being Mary Bennet Blows, about the modern-day version of the Mary Bennet from Pride and Prejudice, painted by Jane Austen as a geek and loser. (I love you, Jane Austen, but you did her wrong.) I simply channeled my eighth-grade self, when I really WAS a massive geek, for that. It remains a favorite story of mine.

Just don't tell me she was a flawed character. Like all of us, real or fictional, she's simply who she is.

Mary Strand is the author of Pride, Prejudice, and Push-Up Bras and three other novels in the Bennet Sisters YA series. You can find out more about her books and music at marystrand.com.