Things I Got Wrong About Adulthood (Laurie Faria Stolarz)

 

This month, we’re writing about the misconceptions we had growing up about adulthood. When I was younger, I had, what I thought, was a pretty clear picture of what adulthood would look like. But I was wrong about quite a bit—not in the dramatic, “everything-I-believed-was-a-lie” kind of way. More in the quiet, surprising way that life has of teaching you things you couldn't have understood until you lived them. Here are some things I got wrong:

 

1. Work Would Be the Enemy

Growing up, watching my single mom struggle to make ends meet, I thought work, as an adult, would be something I dreaded—something I’d have to endure in exchange for a paycheck, the money of which would be spoken for as soon as it came in. And I had that to a point, as a young person. Once I’d turned double digits, I was working regular jobs. In summers, I worked full-time. During the school year, I juggled homework and work-work (about thirty hours per week). I didn’t enjoy this time, but I got through it—and everyone around me seemed to be doing the same. I thought adulthood would be this way too. Maybe I wouldn’t have to work seventy hours a week, like my mom, since I’d be going to go to college and, hopefully, having more earning potential. But, still, I thought work was a means to an end of sorts—something I had to do to pay bills. But that hasn't been my experience. I write as part of my work, which has been an absolute dream. I also teach creative writing and tutor students with language-based learning differences, helping them to read. It’s a lot to balance, but I love all of these roles. There is something amazing about helping someone discover what they are capable of. I am very lucky, and I wish the younger version of me had known that work could be so much more than something to survive. 

2. Becoming a parent would mean the end of my life as I knew it

I imagined my days being swallowed by chores, errands, and an endless list of responsibilities. I thought the financial strain would be insurmountable, that my time would no longer belong to me, and that the things I loved doing would be no more. Instead, parenthood has introduced me to a kind of love I’d never known. It’s changed the way I see the world, the way I experience time, and the way I understand my own childhood. Sometimes, I get to relive the parts of my own childhood that I loved most. Other times, I get to create experiences for my children that I didn't have the privilege of experiencing myself. 

3. People only do things for you when they have something to gain

I used to believe that most kindness came with strings attached, that people helped when it benefited them; that generosity was often a transaction, even when it didn't look like one. But life has given me so much evidence to the contrary. I've been fortunate to have people come into my life who have shown me nothing but kindness without asking for anything in return. Their generosity has taught me that goodness exists. I try to carry that generosity forward. 

Some other misconceptions:

1.     McDonald’s is real food—and a real treat. As if.

2.     Diet Coke is healthier than regular Coke because it uses artificial sweetener and has fewer calories. 

3.     The older I got, the less I'd need my mom. Instead, I developed a whole new appreciation for her, and now that she’s no longer really “present” (instead declining a little bit more each week), I miss her every day.  

4.     I'd outgrow certain insecurities. 

5.    People in my life would stay the same. I didn't understand how much relationships couldchange, how people could grow apart, or how unexpected people could become important parts of your life.

Some things I'm still figuring out:

1.  How fragile life is. 

2.  Why some people suffer.

3.  Privilege—in all its many applications

4.  The importance of living in the moment.

5.  The uncertainty of life, regardless of planning.